Please allow me to ask you a sensitive, personal question — do you work in a dead-end job? Allow me to ask this — Do you hate your job? One last question — Is your paycheck so small that the teens at McDonald’s laugh at you?
Well, friend. Looks like you need a change in jobs. Oh, you didn’t need me to tell you that. You realized that years ago when you were passed-over for the tenth time for that promotion you had prayed for. And one other time when the “newbie” in the office worked for one month and was rewarded with a immense raise.

But you, the loyal, dependable, reliable, team-player that you are, stuck it out. Sucked it up and kept going. You kept clinging to the old saying, “Good things come to those who wait,” but guess what? 20 long years of awful working conditions, being taken for granted, never given any credit (or raises) is way too long for anything good to come to you. Let me put it another way.

The “good things” have forgotten you. Lost your job site address. You are a faded memory in the world of work. And to make you feel worse, you are not getting any younger either. The youngsters just out of college are piling into your office having fun at your expense when you say “hi,” to them, they reply, “hi, gramp’s” or “hello, Mr. Relic.” Not a good feeling.

But it would be totally different if you were so good at your job that even if you tried to get fired, the boss would only laugh at you. But here is a news flash: You are not that good at your job and could be replaced with a broom. What’s happened to you is nothing new. This has been going on for years. Centuries. And it’s time for “underdogs,” like you to break out of the mold. Run away from the crowd. Do something daring. And seek employment elsewhere before your “good years” are used up. Simply quitting is not an option. And besides if you just up and leave your job that is nothing more than toil to you, you will not get a “division package” that really means two weeks pay and the things out of your desk.

You need to get yourself fired. Terminated. “Given the boot.” Or a good old-fashioned, “heave- ho,” and you will be completely free of this “sweat shop,” who forgot what minimum wage really is . And forgot what good employees (like you) did to build the company. Yes, getting yourself fired is probably the only way to freedom.
But do not sweat it, friend. I have designed a few sure-fire, cracker jack ways to get termination papers handed to you. Ready for your signature. Giving you what you should have had years ago —freedom to look and get a much-better job. Pal, this company “saw you coming” when you first applied for your job a scant 15 years ago.
And have pushed you around and overlooked your talents everyday since you were hired.
Here are my “Stupid Ways For You To Get Fired From a Rotten Job” . . .

1. Storm Into The Boss’ Office Unannounced and simply slam your fists on his fine, Oak desk and yell, “I am doing a swell job, I just want you to know that!” Then smile at the company owner who was paying your boss a vist and return to your desk.

2. When Your Boss’ Wife Calls and you answer the phone, start coming onto her like a lonely, drunken sailor on leave in some small port in Portugal. Make sarcastic remarks about her figure. Make the kissing sound over the phone at her. Tell her how much you’d love to sweep her off her feet. Then suddenly say in a nice tone, “Sure, Mrs. Need more, I will patch you through to your husband.”

3. Show Up At Work late for a week wearing a different circus costume each day.
Sit at your desk as if nothing is wrong. Squeeze the red rubber clown nose at people who are coming in your office to do business with you. It won’t take long before your name is scratched off of the office door.

4. Open The Window Near Your Desk then start yelling swear words at the top of your lungs to the people below on the sidewalk. When a crowd gathers, including a few policemen, “moon” the crowd and start yelling angry words while you chant a teenage protest song.

5. Stand Up In The Middle Of An Office Meeting and declare, “this company sucks. Care if I entertain us with a bit of old-fashioned harmonica music?” and yell at the Board of Directors while you are being forcefully-removed from the meeting.

6. Start A Cruel Fist-Fight In The Restroom to prove, as you tell your soon-to-be “ex” boss, “I was as good of a boxer as Muhammad Ali.”

7. Throw Half-Empty Milkshakes at the opposite sex employees who work across from your desk. Then jump up on your desk and proclaim, “hey, gang look! A pretty little snow princess!” Time for you to start cleaning out your desk.

8. Bring your pet dog,”kallu” to the office knowing that it’s against company policy and then when “Kallu,” gets a sudden attack of diarrhea, that you caused by feeding him Ex-Lax at home that morning, then sit back and enjoy the fireworks.
You and “Kallu” should be hoofing it home after lunch.

9. Just Burst through the Glass Door of your office conference room just when your boss and other top-level stockholders are sitting down to talk about the financial shape of the company, and yell, “Get lost, suckers. This place is sinking like a rock!” This will get you fired at light-speed.

10. Broadcast over The official mail sensitive secrets that your coworkers have made you swear to never tell. Secrets like “Sanjay,” who has had an ongoing affair with “Minakshi,” the accounts payable temp for six months. And the torrid secret about your boss swindling money from the company to pay his petrol bills on his dinner drives when he was supposedly “working overtime.”
And finally …the best one on the list …

11. Take Your Boss by the Shirt Lapels and throw him against the wall in front of everyone and get in his face with a wild look in your eyes and say, “You aren’t man enough to fire me! I dare you! Fire me if you have a backbone anywhere! I am a much tougher man than you are! Come on! Fire me!” And keep threatening your boss in this manner until you are under the effects of a taker or stun-gun.
But do not worry.
People live from being teased or having a stun-gun used on them. And while you are laid up in the hospital for days, you can be charting your next move on whom to seek for your new job.
Told you my plans would work.